


Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a stripper

by NaughtyPastryChef



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Fluff, M/M, NSFW, Not Beta Read, Rimming, Smut, Undercover Missions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 13:33:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1228270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaughtyPastryChef/pseuds/NaughtyPastryChef
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones and Uhura are voted by the crew of the Enterprise to go undercover one night at a Strip Club.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a stripper

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WeWillSpockYou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillSpockYou/gifts).



> For Wewillspockyou because I sent her a snippet on Tumblr and she responded...forcing this into an actual fic. Thanks?

“Dammit Jim I’m a doctor not a male stripper” Bones shouted at his captain. He begrudgingly pulled on the ridiculous leather pants and took the matching jacket that Jim stoically held out to him. Jim said nothing, just pushed on his shoulder to get him sitting in the waiting chair. Bones sat angrily, slouched over and staring at the floor. Jim grabbed his chin and forced him to look up so that he could apply the eyeliner.

“Bones, look, we’ve been over this. The crew was polled and you and Uhura won the right to go undercover at the strip club. I’d think you’d be flattered that so many of the crew think you’re that hot, old man.” Jim licked his lips as he applied the makeup, trying to focus on the job, not the image.

It was an image that had kept him warm on many cold nights alone with his hand. Bones, that amazing physique in head to toe black leather with black eyeliner and his hair spiked up. Jim shifted to try and keep the evidence of his arousal away from Bones’ face as he finished.

“You are the right person for the job and it’s, like, only one night. One show. I know you can do it, geezer. Unless you’re scared you might break a hip.” Bones growled at Jim for the jab and forced his way out of the chair, now that Jim was done poking at his eyes with a pencil. Silently making his way to the door of Jim’s chambers he vowed that Jim would live to regret this.

Jim slapped that amazing ass, unable to help himself at the sight of it encased in tight leather. Bones barked at him again to quit being an infant as he adjusted his walk to compensate for the tightness of the uncomfortable pants. Jim, watching from behind, nearly swooned at the now swaggering Doctor’s back.

The two met up with Uhura and Spock just outside the transporter room. Uhura’s face looked like a thundercloud, matching Bones’ look of misery and anger. Spock was much more low-key but, if one knew what one was looking for, he also looked rather angry. Jim watched as he escorted Uhura up onto the platform with Bones, but kept silent. He’d had arguments with all three of them over this mission and was, quite frankly, over it.

Besides, he really wanted to see Bones stripping.

Uhura and Bones head towards the Risan club called “Stars of the Galaxy”. Neither one is ready to speak yet, both stewing in their anger. It’s all been set up for them, everything is covered and they are expected by the management when they walk in the door. The manager, Tom, is actually very nice and not at all a disgusting pervert like the two of them were expecting. He is respectful and patient with all of their questions, since he knows that they are both Starfleet officers.

He directed Uhura to her dressing room first with the words and music to the song that had been chosen for her, along with some costume suggestions and general choreography. He commented on the fact that she must have danced when she was a kid because of the way that she walked and carried herself and Bones was shocked to see a shy smile and blush across her lovely cheeks.

“Not very many people pick up on that. Yes, I wanted to be a ballet dancer when I was younger and danced until I entered Starfleet.” The manager nods as Bones stares at her, gobsmacked. She kisses him on the cheek and whispers for him to break a leg and a few hearts while he’s at it.

“I did vote for you after all.” She shuts the door in his face and it takes Tom physically grabbing his arm and turning them down the hall for him to get his feet moving. Tom laughs at him once they are finally walking and Bones decides to give actual conversation a shot when he’s asked a question.

“What did the lady mean, with the whole voting thing?” Bones inhales deeply, trying to rid himself of the anger he’s still hanging onto.

“When our Captain was given the details of this assignment, he sent a poll out to all of our crew asking for one male and one female nominee for this part of it. Apparently Miss Nyota voted for me...though I can’t see why. Personally, I didn’t vote for anyone because my damn, fool, infantile captain and best friend thought it would be funny to accidentally skip sending me a ballot.” Privately, Bones thought it was a good thing because he certainly would’ve voted for Jim, the star of his nightly fantasies for months now, in the off chance that he would’ve been able to see the show.

Jim stripping is something he’d pay a lot of money to see, even if he had to share it with a large group of people.

Tom chuckled again at his answer, then grabbed the packet of information he’d been holding onto.

“So...ship’s CMO huh? Well, apparently someone thought that you should follow a theme here. I got a while lab coat, break-away scrubs and you’ll be dancing to...Doctor Love by KISS, who was a band in the late twentieth century.” Tom said with a laugh as he opened the door to a private dressing room. Bones felt his eye twitch as he saw his ‘outfit’ on the bed.

“I know the song.” He managed to growl out. Tom laughed outright in his face at the expression on his face.

“Figured you might. Seems like this captain of yours had a certain image for you tonight. I can totally see why.” Bones drew up short as Tom gave him an undressing look up and down. He felt himself flush at the attention; he really wasn’t used to these kinds of things.

“Do you, maybe, need any help getting ready? Anything I can do to help you?” Tom said with a grin and half-lidded eyes. Bones walked backwards a step and sat down clumsily while running a hand over his face.

“No, I’m pretty certain I c’n handle it from here.” He sighed and looked up, returning the measuring gaze; Tom was an awfully attractive man, now that he properly looked at him. In another life, he might have even flirted back. But not now; not here; not in this life.

“Ohh, nice accent. You change your mind, you let me know...Doctor.” Tom winked at him then pulled the door shut and left. Bones felt all of the air go out of him and he deflated like a balloon. He had no idea what he was doing. Well, that wasn’t exactly true.

His parents had money, and they’d really been eager and all too happy to pay his way through medical school. Spending money, on the other hand, had been hard to come by. Also, with his schedule, regular part time jobs that put any kind of significant money into his pocket had also been hard to come by. So, while doing his undergrad at Ole’ Miss he may have taken a part time job at a club similar to this one.

It had been a really long time since then.

He’d put on a lot of bulk since then; not fat, he’s a doctor he knew better than that. His muscles, however, were much more bulky. He closed his eyes as he stood up and took off the leather jacket, followed swiftly by the soft tee shirt he’d worn underneath it. He tried to look at himself in the mirror and be objective, but all he could see were his physical flaws.

He ran his palms over his stomach, wishing he had the time to wax off the sparse hair there; the oil used to make his skin glisten was gonna be a bitch to get out of it. His hands slipped up to his pecs and he couldn’t help but wish they were a little more solid, but he never bothered to work on his pecs on his gym days. He flicked the button on his pants and opened the fly shifting the waste band off his hips slightly; there was a little bit more cushioning there than he’d like.

He turned and looked over his shoulder to check out his ass before he realized just how silly he was being. This was one dance; one night; one simple thing he had to do. He didn’t need to make money; he didn’t need to impress the customers or the management and get asked back.

He just needed to not make a fool of himself.

He stripped down totally naked and began to oil himself up before struggling into his evenings’ costume.

Jim was vibrating with excitement. He was going to file the entire night into his ‘spank bank’ for his lonely nights. He also intended to pretend that Bones’ show was just for him, but it was going to be tough considering just how many crew members had shown up. Perhaps the ship-wide broadcast announcing Bones’ performance was a bad idea in retrospect.

Uhura had just performed and she rocked it; hadn’t looked nervous or off balance at all. She’d been sexy as hell, but Jim was trying to be a good boy, plus he’d been sitting with her bondmate, so it was a bad idea to try and get all grabby hands. Spock had rushed away as soon as her music had finished and now Jim was sitting just next to the stage all alone.

He looked around the room; it was very full. He could see Carol, Christine, Janice and Galia over at a table on the other side of the stage; they all looked completely smashed and he was enjoying watching them. Scotty and a few of his engineers were in the back of the room and he was suspicious of why they looked so serious when they should be having fun. There were, all told, another twenty crewmembers from his ship scattered through the crowd.

Jim heard the announcer babbling about the next performer and turned back to the stage so quick he thought he gave himself whiplash. He heard the crooning, deep, sexy and unmistakable voice of Bones come through the speakers as the lights went so low it looked pitch black.

“Does anyone out there need a doctor?” The lights stayed low, but Jim could hear the rustling of fabric as the curtain was pushed aside and someone came out onto the stage. The start of the song he’d chosen for Bones came over the speakers as the lights came up and...well, Jim meant to laugh, at first. He was intending to giggle and point and make faces. He was certain it would be hot, but he never thought it would be what it was.

Bones had on light blue scrub pants and a white lab coat open over a glistening and bare chest. He was rolling his hips as he sauntered out to mid-stage smiling at the crowd. Every single member of Starfleet in the audience was silent for ten whole seconds. Then the whole place erupted in deafening shouts.

Bones thrust his hips in a slow grind before turning his head and meeting Jim’s eye. He held eye contact as he slipped the lab coat off his shoulders then winked at Jim, mouthed something at him and tossed him the coat. Jim swallowed heavily and forced himself to start breathing again. He clutched at the jacket, wringing it in his hands, as he watched Bones smile and flirt with the audience.

Jim saw Bones make his way over to the table with the ladies and roll his hips at them a few times while Christine mimed fainting and Galia screamed and waved money at him. He ripped off the scrub pants and Jim was treated to the view of Bones’ magnificent ass in tight black boxer briefs. He was conflicted; he wanted to see more, but didn’t want anyone else here to see more of Bones’ tanned, smooth skin. He absently wondered what it looked like under the shorts.

Bones tossed the pants at Galia, then offered her his rolling hips as a place to stuff her money. She stood up on the table and ran her hand down from the center of his chest, over his abs and into the waist of his shorts before throwing her arms around his shoulders and trying to keep him at their table. He laughed at her and danced away.

Jim couldn’t believe what he was seeing. This was the sexiest, most insanely hot thing he’d ever even imagined. Bones was stripping, dancing, grinding on air on a stage and he was...good. Great even and, to make the whole thing even more incredible, he looked like he was having fun. That oh so sexy smile that Jim only rarely got to see on Bones’ face was showing for the whole world as he strutted his stuff.

It should be hilarious, ridiuculous even, to see Bones mostly naked and grinding on the floor of the stage. He moved his hips in such a smooth motion; it took very little imagination to picture a body beneath his. He arched down and thrust his hips three times to the beat of the music and Jim thought his heart stopped.

Jim tried to force himself to blink; to look away; something to get himself under control but he couldn’t. He watched in awe and agony as Bones made a hell of a lot of money before ending his dance with a cheeky, backwards bow; showing off that amazing ass again. Then he was gone and the lights were dim again.

Jim was out of his seat like a rocket.

Jim arrived at the door that the manager had indicated as Bones’ out of breath and more than half-hard in his pants. He closed his eyes and forced himself to try and breathe normally for a few heartbeats before he knocked softly on the door.

“C’mon in Jim.” It was muffled but Jim was listening really hard, so he heard it. He pushed the door open and gaped at the image that met his eyes.

Bones was slouched on the only chair in the room facing the door, still in the tight black briefs. Jim stepped in and shut the door quickly behind him as he stared and tried not to drool on himself. Bones was in the process of wiping some kind of oil off his stomach but what drew Jim’s attention was the line of his cock just underneath his hands.

“Bones, holy shit, you’re...” Bones looked up from his task and smirked at Jim, waiting for the rest of the sentence. When it wasn’t forthcoming, he dropped the towel from his hands and curled his palm around the outline of his cock, squeezing it gently.

“I’m what Jim? Mostly naked? Horny? No, you wouldn’t be that literal. I’m talented? Sexy? Tell me what I am Jim.” Bones stilled his hand, waiting for Jim to respond. He could see Jim’s pupils dilate as he waited. Deciding he was at least on the right track, he stood up and took two small steps towards the frozen Jim. He rubbed his free hand through the oil still on his stomach and waited.

“I’m what Jim?” The words were barely breathed into the air between them, and that time Jim finally snapped.

“Mine, Bones. I was gonna say that you’re fucking mine.” Jim surged forward pulling Bones’ body up against his fully clothed one as he mashed their lips together. The kiss was more of a mess than a kiss, but there were lips and teeth and tongues involved so Bones figured it still counted.

Bones groaned obscenely as Jim slid his hands down from his shoulders, across his nipples and down his slick stomach. The hands paused before reaching his waistband, hovering just above it, waiting for permission.

“Let me...” Jim asked and there was only one answer that Bones could give.

“Anything. Everything.” Jim nodded once before dropping solidly to his knees with a thud. Bones winced in sympathy with Jim’s poor knees but quickly changed his tune when Jim opened that luscious mouth of his and lipped at the ridge of his cock through his pants. Jim skillfully mouthed along it, while his hands gripped Bones’ hips so tight that Bones knew he’d have bruises in the morning.

Jim pulled away for just long enough to reach between Bones’ legs and palm his ass. He pulled his arm back and yanked off Bones’ underwear, all the way to his knees before the older man even knew what was happening.

“You’re so fucking hot.” Jim said into the wiry hair at the base of the cock that was now hitting him in the cheek. The smell of Bones, something spicy and clean and manly, was making Jim’s mouth water. He turned his head and caught just the tip in his mouth, laving it with his tongue before sliding all the way down to the root. When his nose was pressed into Bones’ abdomen, he looked up and caught the lust on Bones’ face. They both groaned and Jim felt Bones’ legs start to shake.

Jim forced his throat to open, accepting the head of the other man’s cock and swallowing around it, loving the feel of it and the way it made Bones grab his hair and pull hard. His eyes were watering, so he pulled off and took a deep breath. He chanced another look up the other man’s long, sculpted torso as he flicked the slit with the tip of his tongue. Bones growled and pulled away, immediately crouching down and shoving Jim onto his back.

“That’s a mighty fine mouth you got on ya, darlin. But it ain’t what I’ve been wantin right now.” Bones shoved Jim’s shirt up to his armpits with one hand as he fumbled with the button and zip on his pants with the other. Jim laughed slightly.

“Legendary hands and a multi-tasker Oh mighty Doctor Love.” His voice wavered on the last syllable as Bones dropped his head and mouthed around his belly button before tonguing it. Jim arched his back while he kicked his legs to try and help get his pants all the way off. Bones sat up and roughly yanked Jim’s pants and underwear off his legs before shoving at his hip to turn him over.

“Doctor, doctor gimme the news...” Jim whined as Bones trailed tongue and lips and fingers down his spine to the swell of his ass. He spread Jim’s cheeks, exposing his ultimate goal. Bones moaned and grabbed the base of his cock to calm down his arousal. The sight and smell of James Kirk was nearly too much for him.

He kissed each of Jim’s cheeks, biting each one just enough to see a small imprint of his teeth. He flicked his tongue over Jim’s crack, eliciting the most erotic moans as he got closer and closer to his hole. He swiped his tongue up and down, laving the area with his saliva before wiggling the very tip of his tongue inside of Jim. Jim shoved his hips back and tried to impale himself onto Bones’ tongue.

Jim was so wrecked and they’d barely just begun. The idea that Bones had his tongue in Jim’s ass was undoing him down to the atoms of his being. He tried to force Bones deeper, tell him to go faster, force him to get on with it already, but he had no words, just high pitched whines.

Bones pulled away and wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, then cast his gaze around the room looking for something they could use for lube. He spotted the body oil that he’d used to grease himself up earlier and rolled away from Jim’s quivering body to get it, but not before placing a kiss on Jim’s pucker and telling him to “stay still for me darlin”.

Bones liberally coated his fingers with the oil, not caring that it dripped all over the place, then hurried back to Jim, He wiggled the tip of his middle finger through the muscle and he and Jim both groaned at the sensation of it. Working slowly, he pushed further in, until the webbing of his hand was firmly against Jim’s ass and he could curl his finger to gently massage Jim’s prostate. Jim yelped and pressed his hips down into the air, looking for some friction on his weeping cock.

Bones repeated the same process for two more fingers, gently stretching, scissoring and twisting to open Jim up for him. Finally, when Jim was flushed pink all over and had sweat gathering in the dip of his lower back, Bones relented. He pulled his fingers free and swiped more oil onto his heavy, weeping cock before pressing forward into Jim’s tight, hot body.

“Bones...bonesbonesbonesbones...come on baby.” Jim whined, turning his head backwards as Bones pressed into him. He couldn’t stand the teasing; he wanted satisfaction and he wanted it now. He pressed himself backwards to rush it and heard Bones inhale deeply before grabbing his hips hard to keep him still. Jim moved his arms to change the angle and pressed his face into the carpet on the floor.

“Jim...you keep doin that an this aint gonna last too long.” Bones ground out between gritted teeth. He made the mistake of looking down and was enraptured by the sight of his cock dissappearing into Jim’s body. Jim just keened again and shoved his hips back.

“Fine darlin. You want it, you got it.” He adjusted the grip of Jim’s hips and slammed himself forward, pulling back as soon as his hips touched Jim’s ass. He set a punishing pace for the both of them; they were both already on the edge and out of breath.

Jim wiggled an arm underneath himself and gave his own weeping cock one stroke, with a twist over the head and he was coming all over the floor. He felt Bones’ rhythm falter as his body clenched around Bones’ cock.

Bones waited as still as he could while Jim rode out his orgasm. He wanted to fuck Jim until he could get it up and come again, but his endurance wasn’t going to allow it. He waited until the clenching and shivering stopped, then picked up his brutal pace again. Jim wasn’t coherent, making little grunting noises with every slam of Bones’ hips, but it only spurned Bones on faster.

Finally, Bones felt the tension in his balls and with a yell, slammed his hips forward and emptied himself into Jim’s willing body before collapsing over his back. Jim huffed as the breath was forced out of him when they collided flat on the floor, but was reluctant to move. No one needed to know just how much the feel of Bones blanketing his whole body turned Jim on. Even if it was on the cold, hard floor.

Bones rolled over and hissed as he slipped free of Jim’s body. Jim turned his head so that he could see Bones laying on his back and breathing hard at the ceiling. He looked deep in thought and Jim reached over with one wobbly arm and traced the outline of Bones’ soft-as-they-looked lips.

“You’re thinking too hard, old man.” Jim cracked and smiled when Bones turned an incredulous gaze upon him.

“You’re really still gonna call me old man, after that display of stamina?” Bones raised and eyebrow at him, refusing to smile.

“Well, yeah. You’re my old man Bones. You are mine now right?” Jim checked uncertainly. Bones reached over and brushed the hair from Jim’s face with a soft smile.

“O’course I am, infant. One question though.” Jim nodded as he pillowed his head on his folded arms, happy to lay naked on the floor and basking.

“You don’t tip all the strippers you see like this, do ya?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I could go on and on with this story, but it's supposed to be a one-shot and it's consumed me for a long time. Inspired by Karl Urban 2x (once joking that his favorite "i'm a doctor" line is the title of the story and again from Almost Human in the damn undercover leather, eyeliner, accent thing that just killed me.) Please, drop me a line and let me know that you think. Oh, and I apologize for all my mistakes, as I only have myself to do a read-through.


End file.
